Sunday, December 18, 2011

Gun control and the lunatic fringes

Ruger LCR
Everyone should own as many guns of whatever type he or she wants. These weapons should be carried openly or concealed according to the wishes of each person, 24/7, everywhere. No training or certification or permit or license should ever be required for any weapon under any circumstances. Just print out a little card with the text of the 2nd Amendment–that’s all you should need. Remember also to carry your ANTI-Fourteenth Amendment card with you as well. If you want to carry (while drunk) seven fully automatic rifles with large capacity magazines and sit on a bench in a crowded city park full of 5 year-olds supervised by nuns (the nice nuns, not the mean old battle-axe finger-smashing nuns like Kathleen Freeman in The Blues Brothers), you should be able to do that without fear of being hassled by the cops or the UN or Nancy Pelosi. Kathleen Freeman also played General Burkhalter’s sister in “Hogan’s Heroes,” and General Burkhalter was a Nazi—think about that. The government has no right to set any limits at all on our God-given right to keep and bear arms. Guns were given to the great American people (people who look and think like me) by JESUS to repel the vicious hordes and to Take Back Our Country, and I will not allow the government to take mine away! This nation was founded on guns and the Bible (Jesus carried a Glock, as you know, and many other guns as well), and it is every person’s right - outlined extensively in the Bible - to own and carry as many guns as possible at all times. Except the people who don’t think or look like me. They don’t get to keep ‘em. I’m building a fortified compound, complete with underground bunkers and ammo storage containers, under the scrubby sands of the Nevada desert. It’s 80 miles off-road just to reach my compound, and I have a bunch of stuff stored in a spare SUV ready to go once the SHTF. Remember, Obama wants to take our guns. I heard it on Fox News a whole bunch of times. He plans to ship them all to his real home in Kenya or Indonesia or wherever (I can’t remember for sure–I gotta check with Rush again to find out exactly where. It’s one of those African countries–Kenya or Indonesia or maybe Syria. Or maybe North Korea). Also, remember that the first thing Hitler did when he was elected was to take the guns!!! I know this because I read the signature lines of every guy who posts his opinions in the various gun forums on the Internet.
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I am morose, and my heart goes out to all the victims of the capitalist, violent gun culture. Guns are inherently evil. They can shoot on their own even when they’re not loaded, because they have some kind of Bad Force that allows them to act independently. Guns are not healthy for children and people and other living things in nature, and there is no valid use for them. Some of my friends think that target shooting is okay, but I disagree; guns are like drugs, and once a person (especially a male person) starts shooting at paper targets made in Indonesia by child labor, he will invariably start shooting people within a year or less. A gun is a malevolent thing unto itself. Its sole purpose is to kill and maim and wound and tear asunder all that is good. People who own guns are mostly guys who have short penises. I know this because my encounter group discussed it with a woman named Zenith Moon Butterfly Flowerpower and Jason Alexander on the top of Mt. Tam one morning, and then we chanted rhythmically to celebrate the sunrise. Visualize world peace and It Will Happen. Peace-loving people should just hand over their money and their houses and their children if a Bad Man comes around. There’s just too much violence in the world as it is, and we should all sacrifice individual autonomy for the greater good. In every state that allows people to carry concealed handguns, the murder rates are off the chart. How do I know? My reflexologist/aromatherapist told me so. People shoot their neighbors all the time, with Uzis, which I heard are used by the Israeli Army to shoot innocent Palestinians every single day. Guns have some kind of cosmic negative karma, conferred upon them by people like Hitler. Remember, Hitler commanded a vast army and they had guns!!! Kathleen Freeman also played Miss Hannigan in the 2nd National Touring Company of "Annie" in the late 70's/early 80's, and Miss Hannigan was not a good person! I truly believe that if we reason with robbers and killers and gang members and tell them that they will get in Really Big Trouble if they have guns, they will stop, because they don’t want to go to jail.

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You say your position is somewhere between these two extremes? Congratulations--you just might be capable of reasoning.

© Pseudocognitive

Note: Just because a continuum exists and I find fault with both extremes of that continuum does NOT necessarily imply any of the following (a) That I have heretofore identified, explicitly or implicitly,
the specific spot along that continuum where the most reasonable, logically supportable position is located; (b) That I personally identify more with one extreme than the other; or (c) That I believe it is practical to completely unlink this issue from all other sociopolitically contentious discussions.


  1. I think your insane. Our only sallvation will be by no guns for anyone. Stop the guns!

  2. Thank you, Anonymous. I will call you "Mr. Cellophane." Did I guess your name?

  3. Brilliant, sir! Although to be fair, I've never actually met anyone who truly believes everyone should have guns, crazy folks included.