Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Today's Advice

You should not allow a tailgater to provoke your anger. Anger leads to ineffective decision making and increases the odds of dangerous escalation. You should not flip up your mirror to hide the offender from your view; although this act reduces stress and makes escalation less likely, it also increases the probability of collision, because important stimuli will be excluded from the process of response elicitation. Do not walk into your house with the assumption that just because it's supposed to be empty that it is empty. Do not go noodlin' for giant flathead catfish in Arkansas or wherever the hell they do that while drunk off your ass to the point of losing all feeling in your extremities. Do not eat the Mystery Meat with congested sinuses and taste buds rendered dysfunctional by boiling coffee from a tin pot. Do not steal fruit from roadside stands. Do not shoot a man in Reno just to watch him die. Do not tear the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger and do NOT mess around with Slim. Remember, you do not talk about Fight Club. DO NOT talk about Fight Club. Hunt feral goats in the fetid, damp, moldy forests in the ruins of Arco Sleeptrain Amphitheater Arena and stare at those goats, stare at 'em with eyes jaundiced by too many Hee Haw reruns and Barbie Benton repeatin' rumors while simultaneously denying it in that annoyingly vapid manner, and I'll bet she's from Rio Linda, not Bakersfield like Merle Haggard or that one cross-eyed guy. Do not laugh uproariously at people who masticate loudly in movie theaters; just move to a seat on the other side and watch Steve McQueen try in vain to warn all the stupid adults that The Blob is real. Don't put too much stock in the fevered ramblings of crazy people inside your TV. Don't watch TV. Do as I say, not as I do. Or not. 

One should not assume these are different things.

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